seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
