I can text with my tongue
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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