when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
