Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
