So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
