Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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