booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
