I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
