Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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