i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You can't special order awesome
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
This is the high leading the old right now
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
