i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
