so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
