She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
