come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
