my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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