Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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