I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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