My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
