i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
