Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
