the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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