I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
