I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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