Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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