never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
