I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
worst night to have a conscience
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
