New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
