dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
