Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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