If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
