I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
