Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
