Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
