My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
