she woke up with a sticky ear
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
