so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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