I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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