respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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