hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
