I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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