Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
