how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
