Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
