walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
It was confusing and full of hummus
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
