I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
