woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
