GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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