Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
