Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
