oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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