You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
